I choose me

Choosing you and putting you first is very hard. Especially when it comes to your parents. I try to be a very understanding person. Everyone goes through certain situations as a kid and through the adolescences of their life. With the society we live in we don’t always talk about how much what we go through as kids could affect how the rest of our life goes. If we are never taught how to control our emotions or we go through trauma with no one close to help us heal from from trauma as we grow into adults and have kids ourselves we dont know how to do certain things because as a kid we never received that type of love.

For example you see a lot of parents who went through mind games as kids by their parents not knowing they are being manipulated by a parent or even back in the day how it was a known thing that parents would get beat as a punishment. These are all unhealthy ways of parenting that needs to change because the trauma that is being received can be passed down to those kid’s kids and on and on. This causes the relationships we have with our parents to be toxic sometimes. When we have toxic relationships with our parents it can affect how we love someone, relationships with friends, how we view certain things in life and etc.

My father is very toxic and very mentally abusive. I’ve come to realize that he loves me but he loves me the best way he knows how to. He grew up in a very very toxic household and I know that, it has affected how he parents me and my siblings and it affects his relationships with people. I’ve learned that I can’t be around that, the toxicity is not good. There were points in my life where I realized how much my being around that was affecting my mental state, I didn’t want to be around and I just love my dad so much and I fought so much, gave him all my energy, let him have all my power where I lost my self. I will always love my dad, I love him from a distance though, and all though I know it hurts him, I think he has come to realize that he has hurt me so much that I can’t take it myself. I choose myself, I choose to love myself and I choose to love him for who he is because I’ve tried so hard to change him. In life you learn that you can’t change your parents, and our parents are perfect at all so we have to love the for who they are.

Its unfortunate how I’ve had to learn those lessons in my life and at such a young age. I’ve has to grow up faster that most and sometimes it makes me sad cause I felt that in some ways my childhood was taken from me but you have to remember that you go through things in your life for reasons. You learn lessons from what you are out through in your life and it always makes you a stronger person.

Just remember always choose yourself. Love yourself.

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